“Each new system, each new perspective,
involves a true death and rebirth.”
-Bill Harris
Issue #450 – Monday, November 18, 2024
The Memory of Love: Navigating Grief for Those
Who Shaped Our Lives from Afar
By MaryEllen Tribby
Grief comes in many forms, shapes, and intensities. It sneaks into our lives uninvited and lingers longer than we ever expect it to. In my 63 years, I have seen how grief weaves itself into the fabric of our existence in ways that sometimes surprise us. It strikes us at the most unexpected moments, leaving us to wrestle with an emotion so complex yet so universal.
Grief is a strange bedfellow because it doesn’t only touch us when we experience personal loss. It visits us when someone we’ve never met but deeply admired is no longer in this world. It creeps in when we hear tragic news that reawakens feelings of vulnerability, sadness, and—most unexpectedly—love.
Last month, I experienced this through the eyes of my daughter, Mikaela. She’s 26 now, but when she heard about the passing of Liam Payne, one of the members of the band One Direction, her heart broke as though she had lost a close friend. I watched her go through something I hadn’t anticipated—a deep, personal grief for someone she never met, yet who had profoundly shaped her teenage years.
A Young Girl’s Love, a Woman’s Heartbreak
Mikaela fell in love with One Direction when she was just 12 years old. It wasn’t just a passing phase or a casual interest; this band represented an entire era of her life. The posters plastered on her bedroom walls, the endless hours spent listening to their music, the friendships formed through a shared love for these five boys. They became a source of comfort, joy, and excitement.
I still vividly remember when she was 14, and her father, with all the patience and love in the world, drove her and five of her friends to a One Direction concert. It was a night they had anticipated for months, full of glittery signs, matching t-shirts, and tearful excitement when the boys finally took the stage. For Mikaela, it was more than a concert—it was a memory that solidified her adolescence, a marker of her youthful exuberance and dreams.
Fast forward to now, at 26 and fresh out of Law School, Mikaela heard the news that Liam Payne had passed away. Her grief came pouring in like a tidal wave, catching her off guard. At first, she hesitated to express how deeply this news affected her. After all, how can you grieve someone you’ve never met?
But the truth is, the brain is a powerful thing. It remembers love, joy, and connection in ways we often don’t fully understand. The moment Mikaela heard the news, all of the love she had felt at 12 came soaring back to her. The same heart that had raced when she first discovered One Direction began to ache with a new, profound sadness.
Why We Grieve for Those We Never Meet
It’s easy for some to criticize or dismiss those who grieve for celebrities or public figures, suggesting that because they never personally knew the person, their grief is misplaced or exaggerated. But what many people fail to understand is that grief, much like love, is not always logical. It’s not always tied to direct relationships but instead can be connected to memories, experiences, and the powerful emotions that shape our lives.
For Mikaela, One Direction wasn’t just a band. They were a part of her story, a thread woven into her journey from childhood to adulthood. Liam Payne, though distant in reality, had played a significant role in shaping her emotional landscape during those formative years. When someone has impacted your life so profoundly, the news of their passing reawakens the joy, love, and connection that once defined your world.
The brain doesn’t differentiate between grief for someone close and grief for someone admired from afar. It simply responds to loss. It recalls the emotional highs and lows, the experiences that defined an era, and the love that, in some ways, still lingers.
What We Can Do When Others Are Grieving
When grief hits, whether it’s for a close family member or a beloved public figure, it can be overwhelming and isolating. And for those on the outside looking in, it’s often hard to know what to say or do. But there are ways we can support each other through grief, no matter its origin.
Here are five tips for supporting someone who is grieving, whether they’ve lost a close loved one or are mourning the passing of someone who impacted their life from afar:
Acknowledge Their Grief
The worst thing we can do is minimize or invalidate someone’s grief. Avoid phrases like, “But you didn’t even know them,” or “It’s not like they were family.” Instead, offer a simple acknowledgment: “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I know how much they meant to you.” Recognizing their feelings is the first step toward helping them heal.
Listen Without Judgment
Sometimes, grieving people just need to be heard. Let them talk about their grief, their memories, and what the person meant to them. Whether they’re grieving a celebrity or a family member, their feelings are valid. Be there to listen without trying to fix their pain or rush them through the process.
Encourage Emotional Expression
Grief is often mixed with other emotions—anger, confusion, sadness, and even joy from the memories. Encourage them to express what they’re feeling. Whether that means crying, laughing, or reminiscing about the good times, allow them the space to process their emotions in their own way.
Offer Tangible Support
Sometimes, the best way to support someone who is grieving is through practical help. Ask if there’s anything you can do, whether that’s running an errand, making a meal, or just sitting with them in silence. Often, the simple act of showing up can provide more comfort than we realize.
Remind Them of Shared Humanity
Grieving someone you’ve never met can feel isolating, especially if others don’t understand. Remind the person that they are not alone in their grief. Millions of others might be feeling the same loss, and sharing that connection with others, even if online or through social media, can provide comfort and a sense of community.
Be Patient
Grief doesn’t have a timeline. It doesn’t fade away after a certain number of days, weeks, or months. Allow the person to grieve at their own pace. Check-in on them regularly, even after the initial wave of grief has passed, and remind them that you’re there whenever they need support.
Encourage Them to Honor the Memory
Whether it’s through a small personal gesture or a shared tribute, encouraging someone to honor the person they’re grieving can be a powerful step in healing. Mikaela, for instance, spent hours listening to One Direction songs, reminiscing about the concert, and sharing stories with her friends who had loved the band as much as she did.
Grief, whether for a close family member or someone we’ve admired from afar, is deeply personal and complex. As Mikaela’s experience has shown, it’s not always about direct relationships but the impact someone has had on our emotional world.
When grief touches us, we must remember that it is our brain’s way of processing love, loss, and the beautiful memories that make us human. So, when someone you love is grieving, be there with compassion, empathy, and understanding. Grief, after all, is a strange bedfellow but one that reminds us of the depth of our connection to others—even those we’ve never met.
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Wise Words
“The brain doesn’t differentiate between grief for someone close and grief for someone admired from afar. It simply responds to loss.”
- MaryEllen Tribby
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